Chris Gutierrez

"Rock Hudson"

(Scene opens inside a pre-rock n roll 1950s house. Henry, a salary man, walks through the door.)

Henry
Hey Honey, I’m home
(Jane walks into the room and begins to help Henry take off his outdoor wear and attaché.)

Jane
Hello dear. How was work?

Henry
It was swell. I closed the Peterson account.

Jane
That’s fantastic. If this keeps up I may be looking
at the future VP.

Henry
Oh Jane, you’ll give me a big head. So what’s for dinner?

Jane
I have a roast in the oven dear.

Henry
A roast really… That’s a little heavy for Tuesday night, but I suppose we do have something to celebrate.

Jane
Why don’t you sit down in the den and I’ll bring you a highball
Henry
Don’t mind if I do(walks to den, notices drapes) Did you do something to the drapes.

Jane
Why yes, do you like it.


Henry
Grey drapes is this a joke? I didn’t know I was on “The Tonight Show” with Steve Allen? It looks like a bomb shelter

Jane(hands drink)
No dear, I just thought

Henry (Throws drink down)
You just thought you want everyone to think we’re communist.

Jane
Fine, well if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go have a Pall Mall.
Henry
You’re smoking again?

Jane
Only when I need one to calm my nerves.

Henry
Then you might as well give me one too.
(Jane gives him a lit cigarette, Henry throws it at curtains)

Jane
Henry, that’ll catch fire.
Henry
It completes the look. Grey curtains. Where is your color wheel?

Jane
In my bureau.

Henry
Did you even look at?

Jane
No

Henry
I know you didn’t. Why did I even bother buying you one if you’re not going to use it.

Jane
I’m sorry dear.

Henry
Mike and Holly Flenderson coming to dinner tomorrow? Are you going to feed them a cup of rice and dried apricots then make them read pamphlets? Bring me the mail.

Jane
Yes dear.

Henry
I might as well let Archimedes do his business in here so it can smell like China too. You know I could have married Holly Flenderson, but no I had to choose the fixer upper. And you wonder why we been married for two years and still haven’t had sex?

Jane
I need to better myself. I forget sometimes.

Henry
(reads letter out loud) “It’s our pleasure to inform
you that your house has been selected this years parade of homes” (Slaps June) Is this you what you want? After W.R. Hearst puts these curtains in his papers, Ike Eisenhower is going to read it and send Old Joe McCarthy after us.

Jane
I’m so sorry Henry that’s not what I want at all.

Henry
I swear if I didn’t make you bleach your mustache It’d be like I was married to Stalin. I am going to have to take off work to fix this.

Jane
Couldn’t we just put the old ones back up?

Henry
Of course not, there isn’t enough booze in the world is going to make me forget that my house looks like a fallout shelter. I have to change everything now. I guess we can kiss Waikiki good-bye. I..I can’t deal with this right now. I’m going to my mothers. (runs upstairs)

Jane
I’m so sorry dear. I just tried to do something new. I really hoped you would like it like it. I just so rarely get to do things myself and I thought that if you liked it you’d want to have a baby I’m so sorry.

Henry
(coming back) I was so angry I couldn’t find my luggage. But guess what I found instead?

Jane
My jewelry box!

Henry
I am flushing them all down the toilet, but I guess you don’t care, do you comrade? (flushes toilet) Do svidaniya!

Jane
Henry, your mother’s pearls!

Henry
Why would you want a kid now? We’d have to give up everything. I couldn’t go to the bath house after work with the guys and you wouldn’t have time to do your war crimes (grabs the curtain, notices the backing) Are the backing on these peach?

Jane
Yes, I had a few yards of it sitting in the closet for a while, waiting for something to do with it.

Henry
You did this all by yourself?

Jane
Yes, I cut it from a pattern I found at Sears Roebuck.

Henry
A Sears Roebuck pattern? It’s cute.

Jane
(embraces Henry) Thank you so much Henry!

Henry
I love you Jane.
Jane
I love you too, dear.

Henry
Wipe the tear out of your eye and bring me the garbage so I can see what you ate today.

Jane
Yes dear.

Henry
And grab something to clean this mess up. I’ll call the plumber.