A Fondness for Aqua Net


A play in one act

By

Michael Weems

© 2008 by Michael Weems
Michaeltw721@gmail.com


Kevin Dorky. Insecure. Ugly duckling. Wears glasses and dull clothes at beginning.
Lina Kevin’s best friend. Secretly crushing on him. Kind of a mirror image of Kevin at the beginning.
Rachel The pretty one. Sweet and unknowing of her popularity.
Sally Kevin’s older sister. Bitchy, but somewhat caring to her brother and others. Insecure underneath it all.

Properties: Hairspray, Chewing Gum, Brush, 2 sets of eye glasses, text books.

Setting: 1980’s high school hallway.

A Fondness for Aqua Net was produced by Phare Play Productions at Roy Arias Studios, New York, NY on November 8th, 2008. Directed by Ramona Pula. Stage Managed by Christine Vinh.

Cast:

Kevin: Christopher James Cramer
Lina: Siobhan Marie Doherty
Rachel: Erin Fehr
Sally: Toni Mayo


A Fondness for Aqua Net was produced by Brief Acts at The Producers Club, New York, NY on September 24-26th, 2009. Directed by Michael Weems.

Cast:

Kevin: Christopher Boerger
Lina: Jennifer Gartner
Rachel: Julia Bernal
Sally: Elizabeth Harvey



(A high school hallway. Kevin waits outside a classroom. Lina emerges carrying books. She is nerdy too, sweet, and crushing hard on him)

Lina:

Hi Kevin! (Touched) Oh my god – are you waiting for me?

Kevin:

Sssh!

Lina:

What’s wrong?

(Rachel walks by. He tries for a studly pose, but she doesn’t notice. He tries another pose and falls, his books crashing around him. Lina helps him up. Rachel crosses and stands by Sally who has just entered. They silently gossip)

Give it up Kevin! As your best friend, I can tell you it’s not going to happen.

Kevin:

I bet you anything that she’ll be my date to the dance.

Lina:

I bet she’s got a date already. Just look at her.

Kevin:

I guess you’re right.

Lina:

You can take me to the dance!

Kevin:

Like a date?

Lina:

(Sheepish) Yeah.
Kevin:
But you’re Lina – my slightly feminine best friend who I see in an entirely platonic way. I mean, maybe if you got a makeover, lost the glasses, put your hair down like this, and dressed to show off your body you’d be really hot (long dramatic pause – the end face to face) …but that’s just crazy.
Lina:
(Hopeful) So, is it a date?
Kevin:
Quiet! She’s coming!
(Kevin conceals Lina in a way that entirely belittles her. Rachel passes by with Sally)
Rachel:
(Flirty) Hi Kevin.
Sally:
(Mocking tone) Hi Kevin.
Kevin:
(Squeaky voiced) Hi girls.
Sally:
Got a date for the dance yet, loser?
Kevin:
I’m…umm….weighing my options.
Sally:
Please! Tell me one girl who’d subject themselves to such a lame date.
(Lina raises her hand meekly and avoids eye contact with the other girls)
Okay, someone who isn’t a total dork-bag.
(Lina looks around and puts her hand down)

Rachel:
Sally, be nice. I know he’s your little brother, but as socially adjusted, pretty cheerleaders, we have a responsibility to look after the less fortunate. I’m sure you’ll make some lucky girl happy.
Kevin:
Do you have a…
Sally:
A what?
Kevin:
A….a…umm…. oh my god.
(He nervously covers his mouth and stomach and runs off stage)
Lina:
He’s got a weak stomach. Gets nervous really easily.
(Audible offstage noise of Kevin getting sick)
Rachel:
I should go make sure he’s okay.
(Rachel exits quickly – stacking her books onto Lina)
Sally:
What a dork.
Lina:
He is not!
Sally:
Lina loves Kevin!
Lina:
No I don’t!

Sally:
Yes you do. Everyone in school knows it.
Lina:
Am I that obvious?
Sally:
You’re the pathetically devoted best friend who doesn’t stand a chance to the prettiest girl in school. Kevin will string you along to the end, tragically get turned down, and at the last minute leave you for her. You’ll sit alone in the background crying as they dance, kiss, and fall in love.
Lina:
What does he see in her anyways?
Sally:
Outside of her perfect smile, nice hair, dancer’s legs, tight ass, amazing rack, and that she still remains accessible to the biggest losers in school…. I have no idea.
Lina:
She can’t have Kevin anyways. She’s going to the dance with Ben Ogilvy.
Sally:
(Deadpan) What?
Lina:
That’s funny. As her best friend, I figure she would’ve told you she was taking your ex.
Sally:
That bitch!
(Rachel enters)
Rachel:
(Brightly) Did I hear someone talking about me? (Beat) I must hear that a dozen times a day.
Lina:
Is Kevin okay?
Sally:
(Awkward pause) You know. About this tall. Brown hair. Ran off to puke when he was about to ask you to the dance.
Rachel:
Oh! Kevin! He was going to ask me out? That is so sweet.
Sally:
(Pointedly) Too bad you’re taking Ben.
Rachel:
Did I forget to tell you about that? I’m sorry. He told me how his girlfriend broke up with him because he wouldn’t sleep with her. I had to take him.
Sally:
That was me! And he broke up with me when I wouldn’t give him road head in his parent’s station wagon!
Rachel:
(Half assedly consoling Sally) That’s a sad story too. Oops! Time for class. Call me later?
(She air kisses Sally. Rachel skips off mindlessly. Kevin re-enters)
Kevin:
I think I broke my glasses. Do you have any duct tape?
Sally:
Such a loser!
Lina:
I’ve got some.
Kevin:
I don’t know what I’d do without you.
(She kneels by him and starts to fix his glasses. She leans in closely. He puts the glasses back on and smacks her arm in a friendly gesture)
Thanks buddy!
Sally:
Wait a minute. Take your glasses off again.
Kevin:
I can’t see without my glasses, Sally. You know that.
Sally:
Shut up nerd-bag.
(She steals his glasses and holds him at arm’s length)
I think we’ve got a winner.
Lina:
What are you talking about?
Sally:
Moron! Think about it. We can make over Kevin so that she’ll forget all about what’s his name.
(Kevin stumbles around the stage – blind without glasses)
Kevin:
Little help?
Lina:
You mean Ben?
Sally:
Shut up! Think about it – I’ll get Ben back. Rachel won’t want him since she seems bizarrely attracted to the geeky ones. Kevin will come crawling back to you and better looking I might add.
(Kevin crashes into a wall and stumbles backwards)
Kevin:
I really can’t see anything at all.
Lina:
This happens all the time. Okay, so where do we need to start with Kevin?
Sally:
What else do you have in that bag?
Lina:
Let’s see – hairspray, chewing gum, brush, lipstick, eye liner…
(Kevin wanders off stage and falls to the ground)
Kevin:
Ow.
(Sally grabs a few items)
Sally:
Ugh. I’m going to make sure he didn’t break anything.
(Sally exits. Rachel re-enters)
Rachel:
Hey there! Have you seen Sally?
Lina:
She’ll be right back.
Kevin: (O.S)
Is that Rachel? Hi Rachel!
Sally: (O.S)
Shut up!
Rachel:
Isn’t that sweet? Anyways, I just came back to let her know I found a date for her.
Lina:
Who?
Rachel:
Steve Lewis.
Lina:
(Realizing their plan is foiled) He’s hot. Oh.
Rachel:
What’s the matter? Do you need me to find you a date too?
Lina:
Nah. I’ll be fine thanks. I’ll probably just stick to my usual dance night routine – make brownies with my mom, and spend the rest of the night sitting alone at home listening to The Cure through my big Koss headphones. A framed photograph of Kevin looking over me as if he’s saying “I know the pain right now will bring us together.”
Rachel:
(Upbeat) Well that’s kind of creepy! I think we can make a better date night for you. Trust me?
Lina:
Why not? What good are pretty, popular girls, if not to help others as a temporary fix on their own sense of esteem.
Rachel:
Especially in knowing that without good genes or surgery you’ll never come close to their physical perfection. (Mindlessly) Let’s start with some blush!
(They exit. Kevin & Sally re-enter. He is holding his eyes in pain)
Kevin:
The contacts! They burn!
Sally:
Suck it up, wuss-bag. We’re making you a man.
(During following – she does the actions as they’re spoken).
Fix the hair. (She sprays his hair with Aqua Net) Stand up straight. Roll up the sleeves. Breath check? (He breaths – she gags) Okay. Gross. Time for some gum. (She hands him gum) Let’s see you walk. (He does) Not bad. How do you feel?
Kevin:
(In non nasally regular voice) Different.
Sally:
(Shocked) You look good.
Kevin:
Why are you helping me?
Sally:
I’ve got my reasons.
Kevin:
Ben, right?
Sally:
How does everyone know my damn business?
Kevin:
He’s my chemistry lab partner. Too bad for you he’s going with Stacy Miller.
Sally:
What? No, ass-bag. He’s going with Rachel.
Kevin:
I think I’d know if he was going with her.
Sally:
Good point. You’re obsessed.
(Rachel and Lina re-enter. Lina is without glasses, she has some make up on, and is dolled up. They don’t notice Kevin and Sally)
Lina:
My boobs hurt. Are you sure this is the right size? I feel like I’m going to get a black eye.
Rachel:
Shut up!
(There is a big dramatic turn and Kevin & Lina can’t take their eyes off each other)

Kevin:
Lina?
Lina:
Kevin?
(They approach each other still transfixed)
Kevin:
You look….feminine. I mean, hot!
Lina:
And you look almost masculine!
Rachel:
Aren’t they cute! Geek love!
Sally:
No! No! It isn’t supposed to happen this way. Kevin, remember Rachel?
Kevin:
(Dismissive) Whatever. (To Lina) Without your glasses – I can see your eyes. They’re pretty.
Lina:
(Melting) Your arms. Muscles!
Sally:
(Bitchy) Kevin, remember the plan?
Kevin:
(Commanding and manly) Shut up!
Rachel:
Woah.
Lina:
(Turned on) So hot.
Kevin:
(Suave) On a day like this, I want wining, dining, and a ride home afterwards since I don’t have my license for another few months and Mom would have to drive me. (Going for the kill) A spanking would be nice too.
Lina:
Of course!
(She jumps into his arms and they exit together)
Sally:
Nice work, hoe-bag.
Rachel:
(Proudly) I know!
Sally:
No, dipshit. Kevin was supposed to go to the dance with you!
Rachel:
Oh. How about that?
Sally:
And I thought you were going with Ben?
Rachel:
Who is this now?
Sally:
My ex boyfriend.
Rachel:
Oh, no. He’s going with Stacy Miller. Everyone knows that.
Sally:
Except for me.

Rachel:
I was just teasing you before. I thought the idea of him and I together might give you some motivation to get a date and look good without having to rely on my popularity. Granted, after college I’ll probably get old, fat, pregnant seven times over, and live in a trailer park while you actually make something of your life – but isn’t right now what matters most?
Sally:
(Defeated) Right.
Rachel:
(Happy sigh) I feel like we’ve done something really good here today. Weren’t they cute?
Sally:
(Darkly) Adorable.
Rachel:
Don’t you worry. I got you a date too! Steve Lewis! Now I now he’s a little out of our league, but it’ll be fine. I mean really, what are egomaniacal supposed friends good for, if they can’t kick you while you’re down to make themselves feel better?
(Rachel pulls out a compact and starts to powder Sally)
(Happy sigh again) So little time and so much work to do!
End of Play