Pizza Pie


By
Tyler Nimon

Setting - The foyer area/outside of a house.

Characters
Pizza Boy
Customer (Dave)
Dead Body
Officer 1 (Arthur)
Officer 2
Manager


Pizza boy walks to the door and knocks
The man answers the door

Pizza Boy - Hey, that’ll be $12.50.
Customer - Did I order a pizza? Well all right, how much did you say?
Pizza Boy - $12.50.
Customer - All right, let me get it. Come in.

Pizza Boy enters the customer’s house only to see a body on the floor, flailing around and moaning.
Pizza Boy panics as he sees the customer approach him from the other room, so he takes out his phone.

Pizza Boy - One minute, sir, I have to take this call. It’s an emergency!
Customer - Can’t you just?… (Mid-sentence, the Pizza Boy is already out the door and by the side of the house on the phone)

Pizza Boy - Hello, 911? Ya, I’m here delivering a pizza and I see this dying girl in the floor and I don’t know what to do. Send someone please! Oh ya, the address is 2900 Parthenon Way…Ok thanks!

Pizza Boy walks back into the house and tries to kill the time, waiting for the police to arrive.

Pizza Boy - Well sir, I really hope you enjoy your pizza tonight.
Customer - I know I will. Here’s your mone… (Cut off by Pizza boy)
Pizza Boy - You know I couldn’t help but notice all the crosses around your house.
Customer - Yes, I’m very religious.
Pizza Boy - Well…crosses everywhere and a clean house. You must be Catholic! (Begins to laugh nervously)

The customer stares at the Pizza boy as if he’s angry.
Long pause.

Customer - I’m Baptist…
Pizza Boy - Oh, I’m sorry sir. I was just trying to ma….(Cut off by customer)
Customer - So you’re saying that only Catholics have clean houses?
Pizza Boy - No, no! I’m not saying that all!
Customer - My whole family is Baptist…are you saying that Baptists can’t have clean houses? Are you calling me a pig?
Pizza Boy - No, sir, this is a big misunderstanding! I was just making a joke.

(Turns around to see the police approaching)

Customer - Oh, thank God you’re here! This is him! Arrest him!

Two police officers approach the door and see the customer.

Officer - Dave?!
Customer - Arthur?!
Officer - How the hell are ya, Dave? Long time no see.

Customer - Not bad, man. Not bad at all. What’s been going on lately?

Pizza boy watches the two men talk with a blank stare and his jaw wide open.

Officer - Oh, nothing much. How about you?
Customer - Oh, just hangin’ out, man. Why don’t you guys come in for a drink? I’ve got drinks, and I guess I’ve got a pizza so come on in!
Officer - Man, you know we’d love to but we’re on duty tonight.
Customer - Come on! Who stops by without having a drink?
Officer - Well…you know, we actually stopped by because we got a call.
Customer - A call?
Officer - Ya, this kid, here called 911 and said there was a dead body at your house.
Customer - A dead body?! Why would there be a dead body here?
Officer - I figured it was some kind of prank. What surprised me is the kid’s still here.
Customer - Well this pizza boy looks like trouble. As a matter of fact, he just insulted Baptists to my face.
Officer - What?! What’d he say?
Customer - He called Baptists…pigs.
Officer turns to the boy.

Officer - Boy, what are you doing here? You called in saying there was a dying woman on the floor, then you call Baptists pigs?! What’s the matter with you?!
Pizza Boy - Officer, I swear to God, there’s a dying woman on the floor right in there!
Officer - Well where is he?
Pizza Boy - Right there! He was right there!

Officer looks at the customer.

Officer - Dave, I’m really sorry about this. This kid’s messed up in the head. I’m gonna have a talk with his manager.
Customer - All right, just get him out of here.

Officer grabs the Pizza boy’s arm and they both walk away.

Officer - Well I’ll see you later, man. Goodnight.
Customer - Goodnight.
Officer - See you at bowling!
Customer - Still at 6:30, right?
Officer - Yep!

Curtains close.

Curtains open to see the Pizza boy talking to his manager in his office.

Manager - What the hell do you think you’re doing, Jeremy?! You embarrassed all of us!

Pizza Boy - I swear, there was a dead lady on the floor!
Manager - Jeremy, you’re crazy. First of all, you go to the wrong damn house! Then, you insult the man’s religion! And to top that all off, you called the police for something that wasn’t even true! It even cost us a $100 fine! I think you’re done here.

Pizza Boy - What do you mean?
Manager - Jeremy…YOU’RE FIRED!!!

Curtains close.
Curtains open to see Jeremy laying on a couch in his house, looking through a newspaper.

Pizza Boy - Newspaper’s a bunch of crap. Wait, what’s this…middle aged woman found dead in Parthenon Park. There was a dead body!

Curtains close.


The End