ROLLING BOLDERS AT THE FLOATING BURGER
by Ralph Greco, Jr.
900 Valley Rd. D-4
Clifton, NJ 07013
ralphgjr@earthlink.net
973-964-4523


SET-An old diner. Not faux charming in that ‘build-it-today-but-make-it-look-darling’ retro style, but rather in that ‘grease-stained-tin-ceiling-ripped-red-leather-booth’ way. The place is not as dirty as just teetering, tired and used.
At stage left, running upstage to down, is a counter-top sporting 5 swivel stools. Two men sit on two of the upstage stools, hunched over their meals & coffees.
Behind the counter is our obligatory bubble hairdo-ed waitress, behind her considerable rump a set of swinging doors leading-we don’t see it, but know it is so-into the ptomaine pit that is this place’s kitchen.
Various abused and dented diner accouterments adorn the counter-top and the waitress, such as coffee cups and pot, menus, maybe an old milk-shake machine, and of course the lady’s set wan smile.
Across from this set piece, stage right, at a slight diagonal favoring upstage, are two sets of red leather booths, one behind the other. We can see well the booths and the occupants sitting within:
In the booth upstage sit an old man and lady, in the booth down-stage, sits a man and across from him two young women. None of these occupants are speaking, but the man across from the women sips his coffee while stealing glances to Frank sitting on the last stool, down stage, at the counter.
The door of the diner is downstage left, merely a screen door and its frame, facing the audience at an angle so the blackness of off-stage can be seen clearly through it.

CHARACTERS-Frank-mid-thirties, no specific ethnicity.
The Man in the booth (TMitB)-same age as
Frank, but different ethnicity if possible.
The Old Man and The Old Woman-man and woman, same ethnicity, both at least in their mid-60s.
The Men at the Counter-big burly types.
Any ethnicity.
The Waitress-mid-forties, but bored beyond her
years. Caucasian.
The Girls-To lanky ladies, preferrably of
different ethnicity to each other, mid-twenties,
dressed trashy, but not so bad anyone would ever
much notice.
(As this is a diner where all types of people
‘visit’ it would be a good thing to stress the
variety of 'types' in the physical and ethnic
variety of the cast.)
ACTION-(Frank has just ' arrived' as the play begins. The Waitress comes over as he tentatively peruses the menu…and his surroundings. The Waitress leans into him, bored out of what little mind she presently possesses.)


Frank
(referring to the menu’s front)
‘The Floating Burger’?

The Waitress
That’s our name sweetie.

Frank
I’m not sure I...

The Waitress
When you’re sure, let me know.
(begins to leave)

Frank
Hey! Can I…can I get a cup of coffee?

The Waitress
Sure…in time, in time.
(She leans on counter upstage to engage The Men at the Counter)

The Man in the Booth
Hey, hey, come ‘ere.

Frank
Oh. Hi.

The Man in the Booth
Come ‘ere, Johnny Quest.

Frank
Yeah, well...I…

The Man in the Booth
Come 'ere, sit, sit.
(addressing The Girls sitting across from him)
See yeah in a bit, okay?
(The Girls rise and leave the booth.)

Frank
They didn’t have to leave on my account.

The Man in the Booth
It’s ok.

Frank
I don’t want to interrupt if you were….

The Man in the Booth
…nothing to interrupt.
I’m lousy company.

Frank
Oh...
Hi, my name is Frank.

The Man in the Booth
Don’t bother

Frank
Rokay.

The Man in the Booth
No offense.
It’s just that I can't tell you mine, I forgot it.

Frank
Whatever.

TMitB
It’ll happen to you to, Maxwell Smart…ie Pants.

Frank
Look, if you don’t want to tell me your name...

TMitB
…just wait, just wait.
(Frank attempts to engage The Waitress)

TMitB
She’s not going to come over.

Frank
I just want a lousy cup of coffee.

TMitB
That’s exactly what’ll you’ll get if you do get her attention.
Look, just relax.
Another twenty minutes or so you won’t want it anymore.

Frank
Like forgetting my name, right?

TMitB
You learn quick, Racer X.

Frank
(standing)
Well, it was nice talking to yo...

TMitB
Where ya going?

Frank
You are lousy company.

TMitB
What kind of car do you drive?

Frank
Huh?
Look I’m gonna go...

TMitB
Humor me, Sherlock.
What kind of a car do you drive?

Frank
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have a ...
a...

TMitB
Maybe you should sit down.

Frank
I...I...

TMitB
Sit. Sit.

Frank
That’s so crazy!
I can’t remember my car!
I mean, I see it; it’s blue and...


TMitB
…you’ll get used to it.
Frank
I don't know what to say.

TMitB
Wacky, ain’t it?

Frank
Look, I...I.
I just want some coffee and...

TMitB
Yes?

Frank
What?

TMitB
And?
What else do you want?

Frank
What’d ya mean?

TMitB
Well, if you haven’t noticed, you have just popped in here Karnac.
Nobody just walks through the door to order a burger...which taste like doody-flavored cardboard by the way…if I remember correctly.
You must have come here for a reason. You must want something.

Frank
What?
(screams to waitress)
Can I please get a cup of coffee?!

TMitB
Oh yeah, that’ll endear you.
Look, I’m doing you a favor by asking you these questions.

Frank
No, you're giving me one mother of a headache.


TMitB
Frank, may I call you Frank?
Here is the skinny as far as I can tell…and I’ve been sitting in this booth for God knows how long trying to figure it out.
People come in and out here like a breeze blowing a curtain, that’s the way it looks when someone new arrives; I can't remember myself how it felt for me.
Suddenly there’s a person sitting on a stool at the counter where just seconds ago there wasn’t anybody.
Or you look down for a second, then up and across the booth from you there are two girls who weren’t there a blink-of-an-eye ago.
It is some crazy cosmic caca and it’s been driving me nearly bug-house trying to get to the bottom of it.

Frank
(looks across stage at The Girls)

TMitB
Sure as shootin’, Jesse James.)
I’ve been trying to catch new arrivals, like you, see if I can get you before you forget too much; the car thing is always my best test.
Knowing your name puts you above a lot of people Frankie, so now I’m hoping you have some extra little tidbits to feed me.

Frank
Really, what are you talkin’ about?
This is a dinner.
I have no idea why I walked in, but...

TMitB
You didn’t walk in.

Frank
Whatever.

TMitB
(turning to The Old Man and The Old Woman behind him)
Hey, Pops.
(The Old Man turns, smiles slightly)
You and grandma came in together, right?

Frank
Leave them alone, would ya?

TMitB
(turning back to Frank)
Just a sec.
(back to The Old Man)
Together right?

The Old Man
Maybe, not really sure to tell you the truth, but she’s very nice.

TMitB
Drive-up in the old Cutlass, take the train, what?

The Old Man
Couldn’t tell ya, but...

TMitB
(turns back to Frank)
…Thanks.

Frank
What does that prove?

TMitB
Just like you and me, Kazoo. They ‘popped in’.
To tell you the truth, I’m really surprised they came together.
I had the chance to get away from ‘the ol’ ball and chain’ I would’ve’ grabbed it.
Though I can’t tell you if I had a wife or not.

Frank
Uh huh.

TMitB
Stellar comeback, really
Still don’t believe me?

Frank
‘Still’, don’t care.

TMitB
Look out the door, Ponce. Go ahead.
Nothin’ right?

Frank
I can’t see anything, but...


TMitB
No buts D.B. Cooper, it’s ‘voidsville’!
Nothing, nadda, dick-all.
No earth, sky, planets, little fuzzy kitty cats.
There is no there, there.

Frank
Can’t be.

TMitB
Why not?

Frank
Everywhere is someplace.

TMitB
(singing)
“Lateral thinking.”

Frank
Lateral thinking?

TMiTB
A little theory I developed since I've been here.
I mean, what else have I got to do but sit here and ponder the big picture?
It's obvious that here nothing seems to obey straight-ahead logic.
I just figure it’s best to consider everything in this diner from as many different angles as possible.

Frank
Lateral, literal, physical; whatever you want to call it.
Looks like you’re the only one concerned about any of it.

TMitB
In the kingdom of the blind, it’s the one-eyed man who finds the toidy.

Frank
Look, it’s really been nice talking to you, but my head really is pounding.
Think I’ll go chat-up those two girls…

TMitB
And then what?

Frank
I didn’t get that far in my lateral thinking.

TMitB
Touché, but seriously.
Where you gonna go after?

Frank
Man, you are pushy!

TMitB
What choice do I have, nobody here remembers…or gives much of donkey's.

Frank
And I’m startin’ not to either.
Look, you seem to be torturing yourself for no good reason.
I mean if it is all like you say won’t you start to forget all these questions too?

TMitB
That’s the crazy part of it.
Everything else has gone; my memories, all the meat and taters of my life, but I can’t get past wanting to know the reason why.
I seem to be stuck here with an overall ache to figure it out, when like you said, nobody around me gives a hamster's nuts.

Frank
Maybe if you were to take it easy.
I mean, this is a diner, why not just leave it at that, order a coffee- if she'll let you-just chill.
If we all came in the way you said, maybe we will just pop out to.
Or you can always just go out the door.

TMitB
I, I don’t think so.

Frank
Why not?
I mean you want big answers sometimes you got to make big moves.

TMitB
No, no I really don’t think so.

Frank
Really, maybe going out you return to wherever you came from.
Maybe the way out of here is truly the way out of here.
Maybe if I…
(peels out of the booth and crosses down-stage left and opens the screen door out, TMitB rises)


TMitB
Um…Fa, Fa, Frank? Don't ok? Don’t.

The Waitress
Hon, wanna close that please?

TMitB
Really, Frank…please.

Frank
Why not?
If I get through or back or whatever, I’ll send you a sign.
(he opens the door wider, TmitB takes a step back)

The Waitress
Um, hon, just close it, please.

TMitB
Come on, really.
Ca…close the door man!

Frank
Wo, look at you.
Mmm (he places his right toe out over the doorjam into the blackness of offstage)
Afraid I’ll take a ste...

TMitB
…whoa whoa, Frank!

Waitress
(actually coming from around the counter now.)_
In or out, O.K.?

TMitB
Don’t say out…
Frank, just...

Frank
What are you so worried about, Jeez.

TMitB
I don't know you potser, just don't!

The Waitress
Hon, let me get you a cup of coffee and we’ll...

Frank
Hey, my headaches gone.
(he walks through the door)

TmitB
Nooooooo

Waitress
I would’ve poured him decaf if he’d wanted.

TMitB
Huh?

Waitress
What?

TMitB
Sorry, thought you said something.
(begins to walk back over to the booth but then turns back to her quickly)
Now, why the hell was I up?

Waitress
You wanna a cup of coffee, honey?

TMitB
(Sits down at the booth, precisely in the same position he was in the beginning of the play. The two girls lean up from the counter-in unison and requisite percussion accents-and go to join him in the exact same places they were as the play began.)